Table of Contents
Introduction
Consent is a tricky little bitch. Particularly when you are attempting to navigate the waters between getting consent for “nonconsensual” or “forced activities”. While consent can be straightforward, in kink and BDSM practices such as Findom, it can become treacherous waters that have Dominants and submissives teetering on the edges of ecstasy or potential ruin.
The primary goal you should set for yourselves is to never, ever engage in any kink play without initial consent. When you advertise yourself as a Financial Dominatrix and post links to your payment methods, you consent to submissives sending you monetary contributions or gifts (if you post wishlists). When the submissive completes those transactions, they have agreed (consent) to participate up to that point.
Under no circumstances should Dommes cold DM submissives jumping straight into bullying, demeaning, or demands for submission and sends without the submissive openly and explicitly consenting to receive these behaviors. Doing this is as inappropriate as a random man putting his hand up an unsuspecting woman’s shirt to grab her tit in a bar— it’s sexually charged activities without consent. It doesn’t matter that the man watched her boyfriend do it a moment ago– she did not consent to the stranger doing it to her.
Consent requires establishing clear boundaries, expectations, and open communication between all parties. In the attached video above, one of the highlights is that consent requires continual and enthusiastic consent. this is built by fostering open communication between a D-type (Dominant) and s-type (submissive). As time goes on and a dynamic builds, you will learn to understand cues within your submissive that help you gain continual consent without having to explicitly ask in a way that makes a scene jarringly interrupted.
For a brief overview on Financial Domination, check out the summary on my homepage.
Build Clear Communication and Boundaries
Talk to your submissives. Be clear about your boundaries and encourage your sub to share theirs. Talk about kinks of interest for exploration, talk about their income and budget restrictions, and talk to them about your expectations for their behavior. You are the Dominant setting a path to success, but you are also taking into consideration what they are willing to offer in their submission.
Not all subs want a long term dynamic. Not all subs want to submit in multiple ways. It is up to you, as the Dominant, to lead the way in assessing each submissive in their relationship to you, and discovering what your interactions can and may look like for the situation to be enjoyable.
While this is a negotiation in many ways, you can and should have limits as too what you agree to, as should your sub. If your sub wants an hour of your attention each week but can only offer you a cup of coffee in exchange, let them know that it won’t be a good fit and move on. Don’t continue to push for more and more than what they’re willing to offer right off the bat. You’ll end up wasting your time, and if they can offer more and are willing to, they will.
Dominants don’t need to chase subs, and the moment you do you’ve lost the power. You are no longer the D in the D/s slash.
Encourage boundaries on both ends, and model the respect for your submissive’s boundaries that you expect them to give to yours. You are setting the stage for success or failure in this, and you are in charge. Submissives will match the energy you give them, and if you don’t meet your interactions with confidence and authority, they will either get bored or walk all over you— neither is the outcome we want as Dominants.
You will learn to tell when a “no” might mean “yes” under what circumstances (more in a moment). You will also have an established safe word and enough empowerment in your sub to utilize that safe word when the no does mean no. And you, as their Dominant, will have enough experience to respect that use of the safe word and understand it’s a withdrawal of consent in that moment.
Speaking to your submissives about their boundaries is part of how you will learn where you can utilize consensual nonconsent (CNC) with your submissives. Consensual NonConsent is a practice in which a submissive might enjoy “fighting back” or resisting, while having given previous consent for you to continue despite that in-the-moment lack of consent. The trick to doing this safely and ensuring consent can be revoked if truly needed? Having a safe word. That means you know that despite the “nos”, your submissive means “yes” to being taken advantage of or used; but hearing that safe word is the undeniable revocation point at which said activities stop (or are brought to a safe stop).
Foster Trust and Safety
Creating a safe environment where boundaries are respected and vulnerability is honored is fundamental. I like to utilize a Stop Light method with subs early on. Use of the word “green” means they are enjoying the activity or they know they can be pushed further. Yellow means they are uncertain or feel close to a boundary or limit, but aren’t yet there. It might mean it’s time to slow down, but any acceleration should be slowed or careful at this point. Red means stop, boundary is hit or limit has been passed. Red is a common safe word as well, used at many dungeons.
This is an easy way to establish ongoing consent, particularly when building towards a Total Power Exchange dynamic in which you have a slave-type submissive or full control of a submissive outside of safe word usage.
Consent can and should be sexy, and you should reward your submissives for their consent. You should not punish them for withdrawing consent (this is how you get to abuse and the non-sexy manipulation). When consent is withdrawn, your job as the Dominant is to cease any play or bring it to a safe spot to stop. Your sub should be able to trust your control (as the Dominant, control is your responsibility at all times during play).
Subs should receive reassurance about withdrawing consent and that that is okay, while also opening up the door to discuss how far that withdrawal goes and what that leads to. Are they withdrawing all consent from the relationship, or just for that activity, just for that moment? Do they simply need aftercare, or is this a sign that your dynamic is not going to work or be successful?
I encourage my submissives to withdraw consent as needed; it not only helps build trust so that they know I will stop if we push and they genuinely need it, but it also reminds them that I am a safe space for them to explore and play with while becoming their most vulnerable selves in servitude. Consent must be respected and encouraged to build long-term dynamics that are successful and beneficial.
Master Documentation
Consider discussing the importance of documenting limits and preferences. Some dynamics use forms to track basic information, kinks, soft limits, and hard limits. Much like in any business, particularly if you are taking on more than one sub at a time, it’s important to have some sort of Customer Relationship Management (CRM) system in place to help keep track.
CRM can be as simple as a word document, an Excel sheet, or notes in your favorite journal. This will help you stay mindful of who your subs are, what their limits might be, and what they enjoy engaging in with you. You can even keep track of how much they’ve sent to you over time if you’d like! I like to use the ChaosHive Planner 2.0 for my CRM, particularly since I can set up the submissive application here on my website to automatically integrate with the ChaosHive Planner in my Notion management system.
Between the planner and Notion, I have my submissive intake streamlined and can navigate limits, areas to explore, and session notes for each of my submissives, allowing me to best guide them and maintain their interest and control without having to constantly check in/ask about their boundaries and limits. This also allows you to document areas for which you have received consent, which can come in handy should the worst happen. Even if it isn’t a golden ticket out of legal trouble (which we’ll touch on in a moment).
Additional tools for documentation and organizing your Dominance journey are on my referrals page under “Helpful Tools”.
Legal Liability: Be a Dominant, Not An Abuser
While power exchange is part of BDSM, it must always be grounded in clear communication, established boundaries, and mutual understanding. Without those things, relationships posing as BDSM quickly slip into abuse; and while the play of abuse is fun, actual abuse is not. No matter how much we believe men are stupid and useless, we as human beings still have to exhibit general respect for other human beings. When you are no longer able to do this, you’ve become just as bad as the men. You’ve also stopped being Dominant; you’re just an asshole.
Dominants and Abusers have a thin line between them. Being Dominant requires self-control, confidence, and an ability to remain levelheaded. It is not receiving unwavering obedience from all those around you; it is exuding an undeniable power that remains even when challenged, and without having to force it.
Dominance requires ongoing communication, whereas Abusers require unquestioned obedience and loyalty. Dominants negotiate and listen, Abusers decline to often any anonymity to their victims. Dominants keep open communication. Abusers shut down conversations and keep communications closed and out of reach.
Unfortunately, what we’re doing isn’t always illegal, but an unhappy submissive can always take activities to authorities who are not likely to side with a sex worker, no matter how ironclad you think your agreements are. These won’t hold up in court, which is why continuing to discuss consent with your subs and being mindful of the lines between abuse and Dominance is important. A submissive that you have these conversations with and build trust with, are less likely to involve a court system. Submissives, particularly ones you don’t have trust built with or end up genuinely abusing, always come with a risk of life-ruining legal repercussions.
It doesn’t help that many abusers hide behind a falsified label of BDSM. Most people are familiar with NXIVM’s Keith Raniere, but it isn’t just large-scale abuses that become legal liabilities. A Florida Findomme was sued by her client. Unsafe practices led to a death with an arrest of the Dominatrix involved. Another Dominatrix was arrested for taking rough play beyond what was allegedly consented to. A Dominatrix in Georgia was arrested for extortion after outing a client who may or may not have engaged in kinky blackmail.
While most of your interactions won’t end in such extremes, it is always a risk. And it is a reason why it is so important to be educated on BDSM, Kink, and safety precautions. It’s important to vet your subs and take precautions for your own safety and your submissives. It is important to be aware of the risks and work from an educated standpoint so you can make smart decisions and minimize the possibility for disaster.
Make sure to familiarize yourself with local laws that apply to you.
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